Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Luke Skywalker never found a girlfriend because he was looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   if it gets any colder britney spears will have to wear underwear

   Two wrongs doesnt make a right...but three rights make a left.

   misssing his ex...... but his aim is getting better!

   | That whale grabbed the trainer by the ponytail and took her under. That is why that advice to, "remember when working with seafood, to always wear a hair net" is so important.

   tis' better to be pissed off than pissed on....

   The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!

   Everything You Have Ever Asked God For Is In Your Environment, Merely Awaiting Your Recognition Of It.

   Who wrote the book of love? Who cares!? It was probably a woman that had unreachable expectations anyway.

   I wonder how we know to eat eggs,did someone say"see that chicken over there, I'm goin eat the 1st thing that comes outta its butt"

   Bedbugs have been found in government buildings in Washington D.C. I can’t believe they have to deal with those blood-sucking pests. Poor bedbugs.

   Even as a baby, I was straight. I loved titties then and I love them today.

   swearing to drunk that he is not god...

   If you don't like Mexican immigrants, then you go pick oranges for $5 a day.

   Had to call 911 today. They asked what my emergency was, I said, I'm being raped and robbed at the same time. They asked where I was, I said, The Gas Station!

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   Ahh the Sunday after Easter... Catholics forgot where church was already, see you at Christmas!

   knows if you like drunk girls in high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies