Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WHOOOAAA!!! I smell the strong stench of "MONDAY" brewing!!

   I'm never getting married. After learning another Bachelorette couple has split, I simply don't know what love is anymore.

   You know you're getting old when you got to scroll down to find your birth year!

   If myspace and Twitter were suddenly gone, would anyone really care?

   When you allow a Hypocrite to stand between you and God, guess who is closer to God...

   wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   If actions speak louder than words,then why can't I hear mimes?

   Behind every successful student, there is one girlfriend. But what about a failed student.....? A beautiful teacher

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute

   statistically, 6 out of 7 midgets aren't happy...

   The fire department does not appreciate being called to come fight an April Fool fire.

   Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.

   What this generation of young men need to realize is that the word "Man" is in Manners....

   I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

   "Drinky poos"- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. "Drinky poos"-What a man has the morning after a night of drinking!!

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   You know it's just a matter of time before Corporations pay to put product placement in the NFL games.... Peyton makes an audible "Omaha... Steaks, Heinz 57, Century 21, Pizza Hut Hut."

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.