Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you allow a Hypocrite to stand between you and God, guess who is closer to God...

   Heard more dead birds were found in Pittsburgh and Atlanta last night

   One day, long, long ago. There lived a woman who didn't nag, whine, and b!tch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The

   i'd run away from home, but my Mom wont let me cross the street.

   If you watch "Groundhog Day" backwards, its basically the same except Bill Murray doesn't get the girl at the end.

   Student + dying = studying

   Vu ja de: When you are in a situation that reminds you of something that will happen.

   WHOOOAAA!!! I smell the strong stench of "MONDAY" brewing!!

   "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'"

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, NOT with a red head.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

   No one can ruin your day without your permission.

   Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.

   What this generation of young men need to realize is that the word "Man" is in Manners....

   I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

   "Drinky poos"- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. "Drinky poos"-What a man has the morning after a night of drinking!!

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   You know it's just a matter of time before Corporations pay to put product placement in the NFL games.... Peyton makes an audible "Omaha... Steaks, Heinz 57, Century 21, Pizza Hut Hut."

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork