Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it

   I am tired of reading other peoples' fairytales; it's time for me to start writing my own.

   everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

   If I ever get to a point where I strongly believe that bankers are starting wildfires with a laser from space, please shoot me!

   How 'bout that Missouri? Great role model state, eh?

   Mini Me was only 49. He lived a short life.

   Gas prices are so expensive...it would be cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere!

   Does anyone else get Road Rage walking behind slow people?

   To the Democrats: Your parents cant afford another 4 years of you living in their basement.

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs @ the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   So, one candidate wants to fix an economy that made him a billionaire while the other supports killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers...

   Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand. After hours of rolling around in unspeakable agony the snake finally died.

   The State Department says Comey was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Can we say we told you so?!

   2016 goes from bad to worse: Nickelback is still a band

   Thinking about opening a lingerie shop for plus size women ....... Gonna call it KING THONG

   A lot of sandwiches are not being made today

   Paul Ryan thinks Trumpcare health bill needs some changes. To me, it needs only one -- incinerating the entire document in a tire fire.

   Me come to US of A to kill moose and squirrel. Somehow me marry fat, old, rich guy who never shutting up and live too long.