Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   I wish mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   A man goes into a library and ask for a book on suicide....The librarian replies "F*ck off! you wont bring it back!"

   Wishes some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's.. when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   gonna laugh 2 years from now when all of those people who thought the world was gonna end on Dec. 22, 2012 realize that they are still gonna have to go out and buy Christmas presents.....

   Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   Auto-Correct is shut, every time I try to swear it ducking corrects it, for duck sake it's doing it now, to he'll with it, suck on my cook you auto-correcting butch!

   When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out it's not them.

   just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home... so from now on, i'm at home, with a knife, and a hungry alligator (:

   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."