Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a dissapointment.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money.

   Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   For a second I thought Bob Costas was winking at me, but it was just my cat's a-hole :(

   Don't justify aggressive behavior with cultural diversity.

   Try to slide down a waterslide while its dry, thats why foreplay is important

   Candy corn is just like regular corn except it dances on poles and doesn't know who it's dad is

   Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”

   If your a$$ had a ''Like'' button, I'd hit it!!!

   My buddy ordered some Olympic condoms online - he told his wife he wanted to wear a gold one, but his wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change.

   3AM text message ''Hey are you asleep?''....''No I'm scuba diving!''

   I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, your already hard to want.....

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   My wife finally agreed to have a 3 way with me. Her and her divorce lawyer fùcked over me really good.

   I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid

   I wish nude pics had a self-destruct option when you break-up.

   Guys be quiet I'm calling my mom!..... person in background: "PASS THE WEED!"

   well, my wife got her annual breast x-ray today and my suspicions were confirmed. Slinkys...