Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Dancing With the Tsars last night, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

   I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.

   So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.

   Dudes should not ''poke'' other Dudes on Facebook!

   If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

   BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

   Breaking: Redskins considering dropping the Name Washington.

   I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a dissapointment.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money.

   Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   For a second I thought Bob Costas was winking at me, but it was just my cat's a-hole :(

   Don't justify aggressive behavior with cultural diversity.

   Try to slide down a waterslide while its dry, thats why foreplay is important

   Candy corn is just like regular corn except it dances on poles and doesn't know who it's dad is

   Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”

   If your a$$ had a ''Like'' button, I'd hit it!!!

   My buddy ordered some Olympic condoms online - he told his wife he wanted to wear a gold one, but his wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change.