Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

   Gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

   Lies usually spread faster than the truth because there are always damn more of them.

   If 10 minutes after sex, the man is not hungry and the woman is not passed out, temporarily paralyzed, then somebody didn't do their job right.

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   They tried to throw a surprise birthday party for me with fun games but someone let the cat out of the bag. All was not lost however because they left the other cat in the Pinata.

   They say it gets easier with time, but I guess when you let someone really special go, you'll spend the rest of your life just missing them.

   If you post another Biggie video.. expect a drive by..

   I refuse to lotion my body In fear of the fact that I may go to jail one day

   Duh...I finally finished my brackets and I have Charlie Sheen WINNING!!!

   Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

   I poured milk on my Cheerios this morning and they turned into Fruit Loops......But hey, there is no need for concern : )

   I wonder why I never see wine racks that are built to hold the good stuff.... you know, the box wine? Oh well, I guess as long as they hold 20 bottles of Boone's Farm

   i think i'd have to be pretty hammered to see Thor

   Dear my money tree, why must thou look like the charlie brown christmas tree?

   Don't steal. The government hates competition.

   Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the Husband, sharks for the husbands mother.

   Money doesn't bring happiness although… shopping does!

   I heard that Jehovah's Witnesses don't like census takers. They are opposed to someone they don't know knocking on their door.