Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you post another Biggie video.. expect a drive by..

   I refuse to lotion my body In fear of the fact that I may go to jail one day

   Duh...I finally finished my brackets and I have Charlie Sheen WINNING!!!

   Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

   I poured milk on my Cheerios this morning and they turned into Fruit Loops......But hey, there is no need for concern : )

   I wonder why I never see wine racks that are built to hold the good stuff.... you know, the box wine? Oh well, I guess as long as they hold 20 bottles of Boone's Farm

   i think i'd have to be pretty hammered to see Thor

   Dear my money tree, why must thou look like the charlie brown christmas tree?

   Don't steal. The government hates competition.

   Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the Husband, sharks for the husbands mother.

   Money doesn't bring happiness although… shopping does!

   I heard that Jehovah's Witnesses don't like census takers. They are opposed to someone they don't know knocking on their door.

   there wasn't even Cowboys back in the Alien times.

   People have got to stop saying "LIFE SUCKS"... because my husband is now saying he wished he had a LIFE!

   If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.

   ‎"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.

   I have a great new way of lasting longer in bed with my wife. I keep my eyes open and think about her.

   Rihanna shouldn't be in the new movie Battleship. It should be projected on her forehead.

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   if you invest in a good industrial grade cheese grater, you can save a ton of money on pedicures.