Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!

   One time I farted so loud in my sleep they had to stop the bus...

   Wayne Brady honoring black history month is like Nickelback inducting Zeppelin into the Rock n Roll hall of fame

   When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can he videotape it?

   Quick, have sex with me, I'll explain later.

   If Donald Trump combs his hair back live on TV facing the camera, I'll send a check for $5 to any "Hair Club For Men" chapter of his choice....

   If you need space - join 'NASA' Baby! XD

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   I agree with weed man down there. Everyone would be so much happier if they legalized it.

   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

   It seems everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, married, pregnant, causes cancer, is undyingly stupid or nuts.

   Seriously. Beating up on this Wiener thing is getting old.

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   If people winked and "laughed out loud" in real life half as much as they did when they were texting the world would be a very creepy place ;) lol

   We all have that one friend we used to get wicked and do crazy stuff with but then they suddenly flipped on us and overnight became a hardcore religious nut and now can't hang out together due to spiritual differences.

   Everyone in the terminal was clapping for me after I got off the plane! I bet those military guys behind me were jealous

   You know you having a bad day when every good lawyer you have quits and all you have left is a guy who got tricked by Borat.

   Hey africans, we know yous dont have legal vehicles or jobs to go to but please refrain from dancing in the road and blocking traffic

   Its sad that while half the world is starving, the other half is stuffing itself obesse like its getting read for hibernation. You should be ashamed of yourselves you fat asses out there.

   Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?