Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   I agree with weed man down there. Everyone would be so much happier if they legalized it.

   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

   It seems everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, married, pregnant, causes cancer, is undyingly stupid or nuts.

   Seriously. Beating up on this Wiener thing is getting old.

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   If people winked and "laughed out loud" in real life half as much as they did when they were texting the world would be a very creepy place ;) lol

   We all have that one friend we used to get wicked and do crazy stuff with but then they suddenly flipped on us and overnight became a hardcore religious nut and now can't hang out together due to spiritual differences.

   Everyone in the terminal was clapping for me after I got off the plane! I bet those military guys behind me were jealous

   Hey africans, we know yous dont have legal vehicles or jobs to go to but please refrain from dancing in the road and blocking traffic

   You know you having a bad day when every good lawyer you have quits and all you have left is a guy who got tricked by Borat.

   Its sad that while half the world is starving, the other half is stuffing itself obesse like its getting read for hibernation. You should be ashamed of yourselves you fat asses out there.

   Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

   Monica Lewinsky has changed her political affiliation to Republican. The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Jumped up for no apparent reason. Have not returned to the ground yet.

   I was watching 100 sexiest men on E! last night, and when then got to number 1 my TV turned into a mirror. *wink wink*

   My girlfriend has been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years. She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

   Nicki Minaj judging singers on "American Idol" makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney judging a drag queen contest in West Hollywood.

   Dear Mr. Obama I know that you are busy with that whole deficit thing, but I seem to be having a deficit problem of my own paying over $4.00 a gallon in gas is not helping my situation maybe you can be a pal and look into that for me, Thanks.

   If Trump cured cancer, democrats would say he caused hospital profits to drop...