Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off.

   NOTADDICTEDTOTHOSEENERGYDRINKS!!!!

   Orlando: The next spic ruined part of Florida.

   99 problems.... but a blessing will come.

   I asked my therapist why I was having a hard time fitting in. She said its because she's a virgin and I should go slow.

   I disliked the Mexican one simply because you put hafta

   Ladies! I may not have the pen!s of a black man but I do have the toung of a lesbi@n.

   Thinking about moving to Haiti, so I can get a free ride to the U.S, housed, clothed, $450. food stamp per month, and get government money along with job.

   Who is guilty here? A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick my husband is home!" her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!!

   Stop saying you just can't help cheating. Cheating is not a disease, it is a choice dammit.

   Got my new Chinese cookbook today...."101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

   Just before the election this year, on Halloween, I'm going to dress up as Bernie, take kids' candy away after they've collected it, then redistribute it to kids who stayed home.

   Go to Google, type in "world cup 2010", look at the bottom of the page. Gooooooaaaaaaal!

   I spread you before I eat you, I use my tounge to get you off, sometimes I lick your nuts.....mmmmm I love peanut butter

   thinks marriage should be a 4 year contract with an option to renew.

   ujlkjtrp[ishuytuibnhhgoui5tohi​uhuhu Sorry there was a spider on the keyboard :P

   given up! I have tried , I have fallen too many times and it hurts worse every time. I give up! It's impossible I just can no longer try......to lick my own nuts.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Choke*

   i love gummy bears cuz they dont attack when you chew their heads off