Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies! I may not have the pen!s of a black man but I do have the toung of a lesbi@n.

   Thinking about moving to Haiti, so I can get a free ride to the U.S, housed, clothed, $450. food stamp per month, and get government money along with job.

   Who is guilty here? A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick my husband is home!" her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!!

   Stop saying you just can't help cheating. Cheating is not a disease, it is a choice dammit.

   Got my new Chinese cookbook today...."101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

   Just before the election this year, on Halloween, I'm going to dress up as Bernie, take kids' candy away after they've collected it, then redistribute it to kids who stayed home.

   I spread you before I eat you, I use my tounge to get you off, sometimes I lick your nuts.....mmmmm I love peanut butter

   Go to Google, type in "world cup 2010", look at the bottom of the page. Gooooooaaaaaaal!

   thinks marriage should be a 4 year contract with an option to renew.

   ujlkjtrp[ishuytuibnhhgoui5tohi​uhuhu Sorry there was a spider on the keyboard :P

   given up! I have tried , I have fallen too many times and it hurts worse every time. I give up! It's impossible I just can no longer try......to lick my own nuts.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Choke*

   i love gummy bears cuz they dont attack when you chew their heads off

   The Pope washes and kisses women feet. I think the Pope has just found a discreet way to enjoy his foot fetish without raising any eyebrows.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   If Kim Kardashian gains any more weight she’ll become the world’s 8th continent.

   How can ANYONE defend the Theater killer saying "he had every right to do what he did, blah blah blah?!" Are these people out of their minds? I think so!

   So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...How did you enjoy the play?

   : Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, cause I'm the baddest SOB in the valley!