Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   can you make a caption that I can actually read ?

   it feels like I'm getting a 24 hr colonic by the government.. .

   I know the exact day I gave up following the path of least resistance. It's on my birth certificate.

   if you don't care about my past, then why do you keep asking about it?

   so over hearing about the religious quacks and Arnold. You are all giving me a tumah!

   If you want to be a part of my life you will only communicate with me via electronics.

   If you didn't have my number before you broke, lost, or got a new phone, don't invite me to your "new phone need numbers" group on Facebook. You just make me feel like a jerk when I ignore it

   I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th, since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse!

   Love pshhhh I rather fall in chocolate

   Do you suffer from post-heartbreak drip? Itchy ennui? Restless desire? Empty dreams? If so, ask your doctor if Depression is right for you.

   The way Nicki Minaj sings is also a good reminder for women that their waxing time has arrived.

   Never lasts longer than forever.

   i am woman, hear me giving you the silent treatment.

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   Imagine if you had the Facebook Master account for one day

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.

   if you give somebody a piece of your mind.....is it a form of self-inflicting cannibalism?

   No one is lazier than the people who name convenience stores.

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.