Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

   I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I dookie anymore

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

   To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

   I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Some things just don't go together, like drinking and driving or pissing and sneezing!!

   This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?