Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

   I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Some things just don't go together, like drinking and driving or pissing and sneezing!!

   This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?