Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe 2020 will be like a mullet, all business in the front and we party on the back half of it...

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already

   Here's a story,of a LOVELY lady
 who was bringing up three very LOVELY girls
all of them had hair of gold, like their mother.
the youngest one in curls. RIP CAROL BRADY

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.

   Yup.... No matter how old you are .... an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube will always become a Star Wars light saber.

   I gave Santa Chocolate Laxative chip cookies...

   One of my biggest fears is I'll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays

   Ladies, I'm renting myself out tonight, who needs a New Years Eve Date. . .

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   So she married one of the seven dwarfs But divorced him shortly after when she realised he wasn't actually happy.

   Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.

   Any amount of toilet paper is a butt-load of toilet paper.

   I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.

   That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid was your question!