Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "That's not what I meant".................... *men

   I used to be f#cking stupid, but her and I broke up about 10 years ago. . .

   Tuesday is Groundhog Day, I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day...... I stuff the groundhog and I put it in the crock pot on low, and by the time I get home from work it's ready to go.

   Women are like puppies, if you hang around 1 for too long, eventually you'll bring it home & it will poop on everything you love.

   What do you call a woman with no a$$hole? Divorced!

   If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?

   Pro Tip: Every time a vegan dies, their soul gets burned into a piece of meat.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my best friend sleeps on their back, while my ex sleeps with everybody.

   "Poverty is a death sentence," Bernie Sanders declares during Baltimore stop. Too bad Bernie doesn't feel the same way as he just fired hundreds of his loyal campaign workers.

   listening to Neil Diamond Christmas music...Man when he sings I feel like he is getting ready to really kick someones a$$

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   i decided sayin ive got an appt with my privates investigater sounds way cooler than saying gynocologist

   party at camp crystal lake tonight all "people I may know" are invited.

   watcing the Canadian Curling Championships on ESPH-EH.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   perfume and frustration...smells like you got stood up.

   I BUY all my cassettes at truck stops. Suck it SOPA

   TSPARKS, take it easy bro, this is not Twitter.

   Sometimes I hate change. facebook changing,gmail changing,underwear changing.....why must these things have to change?

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"