Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my best friend sleeps on their back, while my ex sleeps with everybody.

   "Poverty is a death sentence," Bernie Sanders declares during Baltimore stop. Too bad Bernie doesn't feel the same way as he just fired hundreds of his loyal campaign workers.

   listening to Neil Diamond Christmas music...Man when he sings I feel like he is getting ready to really kick someones a$$

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   i decided sayin ive got an appt with my privates investigater sounds way cooler than saying gynocologist

   party at camp crystal lake tonight all "people I may know" are invited.

   watcing the Canadian Curling Championships on ESPH-EH.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   perfume and frustration...smells like you got stood up.

   I BUY all my cassettes at truck stops. Suck it SOPA

   TSPARKS, take it easy bro, this is not Twitter.

   Sometimes I hate change. facebook changing,gmail changing,underwear changing.....why must these things have to change?

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"

   The only trip I can afford is 'shrooms.

   I did a striptease for my girl, but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she was asleep...

   Wearing a bra with tinny boobs is like carrying a wallet with no cash.

   Old Irish Saying: hiccup, burp

   an uneasy feeling drinking from the water fountain by the bathrooms while someone flushes the toilet.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   Me: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Me: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.