Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love that part of a healthy relationship where you realize what a psychopath your ex was.

   After Colorado legalized marijuana, Peyton Manning bought 20 Papa John's stores in Colorado. If this football thing doesn't work out, I say he's got a bright future in finance

   I'm a lyrical gangster. Or I've had too many margaritas.

   Jeeziz...last night the big choice was either the Grammys or the Pro Bowl. Thank God there was a Reba marathon.

   "I'm kind of hoping they raise minimum wage. Maybe when I punch my order in on the touch screen at McDonald's myself they will finally get my order right."

   If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?

   Valentine's Day...... "My wallet ain't got time for dat!"

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   The next “60’s” are closer than the last “60’s”.

   You knew how I chew when you agreed to marry me.

   With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous.

   My therapist is letting me drink alcohol in my therapy session today, and by that I mean I'm drinking and watching Dr Phil.

   I came into this world with nothing and still have most of it.

   Jimmy's life would have been so much better if he had been taught to do the Hokey Pokey rather than just cracking corn.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.....sell all their crap on Craigslist.

   Just burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza and now I totally understand what betrayal feels like.

   “That’s my jam” - Something my neighbour says when she’s in my kitchen.

   Doggy Style. Because it gives me perfect platform to keep my laptop and finish my work.

   I am woman, hear me ask you the same question a dozen different ways in the hope of catching you slipping.

   Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag