Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I just broke up with my girlfriend 'cause I'm engaged now.

   a panhandlers standing outside of convenience store just asked me for "spare change" when I told him I didn't have any, he informed me that he takes debit/credit cards with a minimum of $3.00

   The best way to reach your target audience is a rocket launcher.

   Don't Lie To The Love Of Your Life ..... For The Hoe Of The Night !!!

   Thank you Facbook. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at people.

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   People with big chins are probably really good at folding towels and blankets.

   The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting final notices and threatening calls from debt collectors.

   Doctor's have crappy jobs. If they save someone, God gets credit, if they don't they get sued.

   "Why is Justin Bieber so pale?" "Because there's no sun in the closet"

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Makes animal noises whenever someone approaches

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   Target: 50 shades of Manatee Gray

   To Fatty, go ahead and pull the trigger or shut up.

   Kirsty Alley...Ralph Macchio.?....they should call it "Dancing with the has beens."

   People are talking about the oil companies profits. People need to be talking about the fed government income from the gas taxation. Talk about being appalled and they don't do anything but collect money...

   Now that Osama is dead we can focus on more important things like why has anyone made a new Ernest movie..

   rose scented air freshener and poop do not mix

   Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

   I wonder if the lamestream media has anything better to do today than follow around the crazy lady on the bus or worry about pics of congressmen in their underwear? Focus people! There's real news happening all over the world!