Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friends are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they disappear.

   If you can't be with the one you drugged, drug the one you're with.

   The new F word today is FORGIVE. So I F all of you.

   According to my wife, if farting was a crime, I'd be on death row.

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   Relationships are like @nal s ex, it looks so much easier in the movies.

   Your Google search history is the real you.

   If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-cart two laps around a cheerio!

   Well I just broke up with my girlfriend 'cause I'm engaged now.

   a panhandlers standing outside of convenience store just asked me for "spare change" when I told him I didn't have any, he informed me that he takes debit/credit cards with a minimum of $3.00

   The best way to reach your target audience is a rocket launcher.

   Don't Lie To The Love Of Your Life ..... For The Hoe Of The Night !!!

   Thank you Facbook. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at people.

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   People with big chins are probably really good at folding towels and blankets.

   The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting final notices and threatening calls from debt collectors.

   Doctor's have crappy jobs. If they save someone, God gets credit, if they don't they get sued.

   "Why is Justin Bieber so pale?" "Because there's no sun in the closet"

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Makes animal noises whenever someone approaches

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.