Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   If I wanted to know whats on your mind I'd splatter it on the wall and see for myself.

   Sometimes I miss you so much,I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you!

   wonders who is good at following directions. everyone press ALT + F4

   getting tired of waiting for Snow to follow up Informer

   Redneck sext: when mom and dad leave You're all mines.

   Chick-fil-a announced today they have a new policy concerning patrons! ....Men will no longer be able to share their ''Nuggets!''

   Good news guys! Only 17 more days until we can stop hearing about the Olympics!

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   My girlfriend has been trying out her new schoolgirl outfit I brought her earlier today. Which is a shame........Can't believe she's back to school on Monday already.

   Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.

   Sometimes, I think women should be kept on the wall with a large sign that reads, "Break glass in the event of horny".

   Friends are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they disappear.

   If you can't be with the one you drugged, drug the one you're with.

   The new F word today is FORGIVE. So I F all of you.

   According to my wife, if farting was a crime, I'd be on death row.

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   Relationships are like @nal s ex, it looks so much easier in the movies.

   Your Google search history is the real you.

   If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-cart two laps around a cheerio!