Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   I'd much rather have a sex tapeleak of me leak out, than see a video of me running in flip flops

   Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme...

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   I was just orally serviced in a rather splendid manner by an enthusiastic young lady and I'm feeling quite chipper about it indeed.

   There's always a wild side to an innocent face.

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   When I grow up I wanna be that small bead of sweat slowly dripping between your boobs.

   A picture may say a thousand words...but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies!

   R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal... Dead at 41 but lived life in the Funny Lane.

   Are you soft Kitty or smelly cat?

   Desperate Housewives is on my TV.... I am DESPERATE trying to find the remote to turn this crap off!!

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot

   What starts with P and ends with ORN? Popcorn your pervert!

   So this midget walks into a mini bar........

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If I started my own Chip Company, I'd fill the bags to the top!