Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.

   I was at the super market. I bought 2 dozen eggs. I only looked stupid pushing 2 baskets. I would have been really stupid If I put all my eggs in 1 basket.

   Today I identify as someone on welfare, so I don't have to go to work right?

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   I'd much rather have a sex tapeleak of me leak out, than see a video of me running in flip flops

   Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme...

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   I was just orally serviced in a rather splendid manner by an enthusiastic young lady and I'm feeling quite chipper about it indeed.

   There's always a wild side to an innocent face.

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   When I grow up I wanna be that small bead of sweat slowly dripping between your boobs.

   A picture may say a thousand words...but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies!

   R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal... Dead at 41 but lived life in the Funny Lane.

   Are you soft Kitty or smelly cat?