Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   "You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"

   It's always a shame when someone dies and it's not Justin Bieber.

   [Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera*

   reminding yourself you haven't got any kids is the best news ever...

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.

   I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   I don’t trust people who smile at 8AM on Mondays…

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   If you're a girl and drinks Vodka... there's a high probability, I love you.

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.

   I was at the super market. I bought 2 dozen eggs. I only looked stupid pushing 2 baskets. I would have been really stupid If I put all my eggs in 1 basket.

   Today I identify as someone on welfare, so I don't have to go to work right?

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.