Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.

   There's no telling what will come out a female's mouth when she's mad at you. You just gotta brace yourself and be ready for anything.

   Why wait for Black Friday, when you can shop brown Monday right

   INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   For lunch I melted some cheese onto a plate & scooped it into my mouth with some unmelted cheese & being a grownup isn't going well so far.

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   "You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"

   It's always a shame when someone dies and it's not Justin Bieber.

   [Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera*

   reminding yourself you haven't got any kids is the best news ever...

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.

   I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   I don’t trust people who smile at 8AM on Mondays…

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   If you're a girl and drinks Vodka... there's a high probability, I love you.