Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Great ideas often receive violent opposition from mediocre minds

   Facebook is changing their privacy settings again. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep up behind you & give you an atomic wedgie. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Sneaky Settings> Wedgie Settings & uncheck the Shenaniga

   How many days should you wait, before you tell your buddy that you didn't get the message, that he needed help moving?

   Preserve nature....pickle a squirrel.

   7up made in Portugal will be banned in North Korea

   I'm starting to get a bit worried that Canada isn't going to win the World Cup this year.

   Some families can trace their ancestry back three hundred years, but can't tell you where their children were last night.

   I might not have a lot of one thing, but I have enough of everything, and for that I'm blessed.

   *spins around on chair* Hi! I've been expecting you!

   u know how dumb you will sound if you go in a interview talking bout you graduated from Everest? Ain't nobody gon take serious

   says, if Renea would just watch porn with me, she would understand why I made her buy roller skates and why we have 20 gallons of chocolate pudding in the fridge

   I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.

   Great!!! Bought a Powerball ticket and a pack of smokes. Total was $6.66. BOY, I sure feel lucky for tonight's drawing.

   Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.

   Funny fat guy fall on face! -The Hangover

   If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year. . .

   Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”

   The way the CNN channel distorts the news they should change their name to Cannot be NEWS :)

   After the US, UK, and France's attack on Syria, I propose a name change to the capital city from Damascus to DamnAssKicked.