Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool yesterday at the local YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in.

   If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call? Rachel Jintel!!

   Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   I have only one problem with women peeing in public.They never wink back.

   I don't need a safe word because socks don't have ears.

   LEON- Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone.. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life...

   When I said I'd give you multiples I was talking about my personalities.

   Today is the last day of fall. Raking leaves through this snow was a real pain today.

   Twas the night before Christmas, and I have not a joke, just a bunch of these presents and now I am broke. I shall awake in the mornin and hear all the chatter, watch my children open gifts realizing the clothes dont matter. To all of you out there I wish

   I began to slip while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead...man I got skills!

   out spreading Christmas Cheer by streaking at sporting events.

   The price of Voodoo has just gone up.

   Best part of my life is chocolate ice cream

   not an alcoholic, just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?

   I think I just solved our health care crisis. Everybody eat one apple every day.

   Every once in a brownish-purple moon, I worry that I might be colorblind.

   in my lab...playing mad scientist...only 2 ingredients away...from coming up with an antidote to fix stupid...stay tuned

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   they say you shouldnt mix business with pleasure....so how does the adult industry operate...