Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says crazy stuff like "You're addicted to Facebook," "Pay attention to us" and "How could you not notice the house is on fire?"

   Bed is holding me captive. Send sex.

   I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   Girl: "Go on, don't be shy and ask me out." Boy: "Ok, get out."

   Google should change it's name to "Skynet".

   Can't these goddamn customers see that I'm trying to update my social networking sites?!?

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool yesterday at the local YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in.

   If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call? Rachel Jintel!!

   Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   I have only one problem with women peeing in public.They never wink back.

   I don't need a safe word because socks don't have ears.

   LEON- Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone.. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life...

   When I said I'd give you multiples I was talking about my personalities.

   Today is the last day of fall. Raking leaves through this snow was a real pain today.

   Twas the night before Christmas, and I have not a joke, just a bunch of these presents and now I am broke. I shall awake in the mornin and hear all the chatter, watch my children open gifts realizing the clothes dont matter. To all of you out there I wish

   I began to slip while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead...man I got skills!

   out spreading Christmas Cheer by streaking at sporting events.

   The price of Voodoo has just gone up.