Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   If you survived a shark attack, nice job, @#!*% . You just missed out on the coolest way to die.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some taste.

   Wanna feel like a female porn star? Aggressively open a Yoplait under your nose.

   I hate these goody-two-shoe people who act like genitals are a curse from the devil himself when they actually a gift from god to be enjoyed at every given opportunity.

   In my life, I have gotten much more useful and practical advice from Cesar Millan the dog whisperer than I have gotten from Dr. Phil.

   I've learned that fights can always be avoided with a slow kiss of the forehead.

   Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say...

   I just saw that Lion King is being rereleased in Blu-Ray 3D..... Yeah thats just what I want to see! Mufasa plumiting to his death in 3D!

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo

   When people say to me, "I don't have time", I ask them then why are you still alive.

   Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.

   Morning check list 1. find a red solo cup 2.Let's have a party!

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra & Rihanna?

   I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!

   Remember when you blow back up the Capri Sun pouches and try to give them to your friend hoping that they will think it's full?

   Sigh...It's that time of the year to breakout the razor and stop looking like sasquatch! Ladies, you know what I mean!

   I just went out and witnessed the transit of venus.. Now I have no retinas...

   Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody Loves You.