Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know the economy is bad when you get a check from the government and it bounces! Good luck my fellow Americans

   When people "Like" the problems people post on facebook, do they actually like the idea of that person going through the problem?

   Geting your wife two gifts but telling her one is for my Wife and the other is for my Lover is not a good idea. because she wont get it

   On my third cup of coffee and the day is looking real good. I think its going to be a great day. Did I mention its going to be a fantastic day.......

   To file a complaint, click the x on tha top right corner of your screen!

   I'm playing hide-and-seek with my kid... He'll never find me... He's not old enough to get into the bar...

   We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   If you survived a shark attack, nice job, @#!*% . You just missed out on the coolest way to die.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some taste.

   Wanna feel like a female porn star? Aggressively open a Yoplait under your nose.

   I hate these goody-two-shoe people who act like genitals are a curse from the devil himself when they actually a gift from god to be enjoyed at every given opportunity.

   In my life, I have gotten much more useful and practical advice from Cesar Millan the dog whisperer than I have gotten from Dr. Phil.

   I've learned that fights can always be avoided with a slow kiss of the forehead.

   Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say...

   I just saw that Lion King is being rereleased in Blu-Ray 3D..... Yeah thats just what I want to see! Mufasa plumiting to his death in 3D!

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo

   When people say to me, "I don't have time", I ask them then why are you still alive.

   Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.