Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my pet bird just called me a murderer.

   To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit,, you double the number in Celsius and add thirty.. To convert someone to Mormonism,, you double the wives and add 10 kids.

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   If Bernie Sanders grows a beard, he'll be a wizard....

   Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.

   Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.

   Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ?

   Fathers: If you daughter asks you to carry her pink backpack and purse, you carry it....

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying!!

   Be a gentleman, know when to hold her hand. Be a man, know when to pull her hair.

   One good tip to make the Outback Steakhouse more authentic, all the staff should speak Australian.

   When a woman carries a keg of beer over her shoulder, never question your relationship status....yep she's a keeper!!!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

   All Mom's gave birth to a child, except mine she gave birth to a legend!!! **High fives my Mom on Mother's Day**

   Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐

   When I forget how annoying people can be, I log on to Facebook for about three minutes.

   Soooo, how long are we all just gonna sit here and act like the russians don't have all our passwords?

   And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.

   I never lose sleep over my enemies its my friends that keep me awake.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.