Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   I've never smoked Hookah, but I've been told it tastes exactly like not getting laid.

   Shout out to most of the Thundercats.

   Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   I wish some people would leave Day Drinking to the professionals.

   A friend told me he's jokes come from a dark place. So I locked him in my basement for a week. It was mostly crying, no jokes. He lied.

   Definition of hitting rock bottom: Stopping for a burger & fries so I could eat something on the way to pick up the pizza I just ordered.

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow once.....I smoked it.

   Sarcasm : Because beating the s$it out of people is illegal.

   If laughter is the best medicine, I'm practicing without a license...

   I like to get behind something I totally believe in. I believe I'll have another doggy style.

   Life will take you down sometimes, its up2 you if you wanna pull yourself back up!!

   If you suddenly find you cannot fix it, screw it up so nobody else can !

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

   I was just about to say "we're all adults here" in a status update and then I came to my senses.

   I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.