Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Definition of hitting rock bottom: Stopping for a burger & fries so I could eat something on the way to pick up the pizza I just ordered.

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow once.....I smoked it.

   Sarcasm : Because beating the s$it out of people is illegal.

   If laughter is the best medicine, I'm practicing without a license...

   I like to get behind something I totally believe in. I believe I'll have another doggy style.

   Life will take you down sometimes, its up2 you if you wanna pull yourself back up!!

   If you suddenly find you cannot fix it, screw it up so nobody else can !

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

   I was just about to say "we're all adults here" in a status update and then I came to my senses.

   I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.

   The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it

   Ice cream conversations.. They all want the scoop!

   Don't be so dramatic! Somebody out there will like you just the way you are. After all... there are plenty of blind guys out there.

   The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

   The devil is not in Georgia today unless he teamed up with the Iceman.

   It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

   I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.