Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.

   If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"

   .... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!

   Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.

   What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

   Trump's 2nd season "Im a winner" will be airing on 2020.

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   You are limited by what you settle for.

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   Sex is good… the monks made a mistake; the ancient document says, “Celebrate,” not “Celibate!”

   Thought about hitting the gym today but I called ahead and they said the shake weight is still out of service so screw that.........

   Truth, Justice and emptybeercan way!

   2012....I'm leaving some people in 2011

   feeling more lazy that the guy who invented the Flamethrower "I wanna set that on fire way over there, but I dont wanna get up"