Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.

   The way we're losing the Coronavirus surprised Mexico hasn't paid to finish the wall yet.

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as "suspicious activity."

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   You are limited by what you settle for.

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   Sex is good… the monks made a mistake; the ancient document says, “Celebrate,” not “Celibate!”

   Thought about hitting the gym today but I called ahead and they said the shake weight is still out of service so screw that.........

   Truth, Justice and emptybeercan way!

   2012....I'm leaving some people in 2011

   feeling more lazy that the guy who invented the Flamethrower "I wanna set that on fire way over there, but I dont wanna get up"

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky

   Real Playas put Mistletoe on their belt.

   I study. I take the test. I pass it. I forget what I learned...

   Why doesn't Lindsay Lohan just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap? I mean nobody has seen her since.

   Does anyone even know the ending to the move "Monster's Ball"?

   I am thankful for Facebook for it has made my life as a stalker a whole lot easier. Gone are the days of standing in the dark, in the rain behind some bushes and providing free meal for mosquitoes no to mention restrain orders.

   U know that Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.