Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.

   When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter."

   Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.

   On the bright side, at least we found a way to stop mass shooting in schools, offices, malls and concerts.

   We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.

   The way we're losing the Coronavirus surprised Mexico hasn't paid to finish the wall yet.

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as "suspicious activity."

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   You are limited by what you settle for.

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   Sex is good… the monks made a mistake; the ancient document says, “Celebrate,” not “Celibate!”

   Thought about hitting the gym today but I called ahead and they said the shake weight is still out of service so screw that.........

   Truth, Justice and emptybeercan way!

   2012....I'm leaving some people in 2011

   feeling more lazy that the guy who invented the Flamethrower "I wanna set that on fire way over there, but I dont wanna get up"

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky