Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been shopping for a new desk. Still can't find one with a headboard.

   I have watched all the harry porter movies with subtitles on, so that means I have read them too

   I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.

   Note to self: Lets keep those intimate times to ourselves..

   To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

   If the bank wanted the security picture on the front of my debit card to be accurate for my account, they would've let me frown.

   It never dawned on me about how fascinating I truly am until I perused through my Google search history.

   off to get charged. Will be back when the batteries are full. Good night all.

   Dear Facebook Friends, You can't find out who saw your profile. You won't see what you look like in the future. You won't see what the man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free I-Pads and you can't see the video of Osama's death on face

   As long as there is enough liquor to drink the apocalypse won't bother me.

   If something goes without saying, why mention it?

   Let's hope karma is a bigger b!$#h than they ever were.

   child beauty pageants..these mothers are insane..thats my OPINION..!!!!

   Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. RIP Steve Jobs.

   I got some really nice jewelry for my wife. Best. Trade. Ever!

   I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".

   Zombies don't discriminate against the old or young, both are considered equally tasty.

   Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -Plato

   I got on Facebook to look up long lost friends. It's true what they say, that it's best to let sleeping dogs lie

   Sometimes no news is the best news