Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?

   Scott Weiland, Lemmy Kilmister, David Bowie, Glenn Frey. Must be one helluva jam session going on in Heaven tonight.

   it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!

   jones'ing for a Shamrock shake....

   Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

   What do you call a man with a spade in his head? You call him an ambulance, obviously.

   What's the big deal about the guy who could pull a truck with his penis? When I was sixteen, I could have pushed it.

   I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!

   2 fish swim into a concrete wall. 1 says to the other, "Dam!"

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   Did my good deed for the day. Rescued a poor little beer from the fridge.....It's name was miller lite and it was a cool little dude.

   If it's warm, wet, sticky and NOT yours??? DON'T TOUCH IT!

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...

   Grandchildren are god's reward for not killing your kids

   Mike Tyson has beat every opponent he's ever faced but the letter S

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone and another interesting person comes up and I get confused on which one I should continue to stalk.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS. JURORS IN THE GEORGE ZIMMERMAN TRIAL HAVE ORDERED TUNAFISH SANDWICHES ON WHOLE WHEAT, AND SWEET TEA.

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said