Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the big deal about the guy who could pull a truck with his penis? When I was sixteen, I could have pushed it.

   I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!

   2 fish swim into a concrete wall. 1 says to the other, "Dam!"

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   Did my good deed for the day. Rescued a poor little beer from the fridge.....It's name was miller lite and it was a cool little dude.

   If it's warm, wet, sticky and NOT yours??? DON'T TOUCH IT!

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...

   Grandchildren are god's reward for not killing your kids

   Mike Tyson has beat every opponent he's ever faced but the letter S

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone and another interesting person comes up and I get confused on which one I should continue to stalk.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS. JURORS IN THE GEORGE ZIMMERMAN TRIAL HAVE ORDERED TUNAFISH SANDWICHES ON WHOLE WHEAT, AND SWEET TEA.

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said

   I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels. Her handjobs always ended with a surprise twist.

   I hope your couch pulls out cause I don't!

   Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   It just dawned on me that Flo from the Progressive commercials is somebody's Aunt.....

   My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box.

   So I'm flying to England and the flight attendant asks me if I want dinner. I asked her what my choices were. She said, "Yes or no."

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.