Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * A cheap father told his little son that is nightlight only made it easier for the monsters to find him.

   * You know you're old when your pants waistband is up to your nipples.

   If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs. If I had some eggs.

   Moses walks down Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and assembles the Israelites. Moses announces, "I've got good and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." "What's the bad news?", a voice cries out. "Adultery is still in."

   They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel

   I saw my shadow this morning. Looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting.

   Can't wait for my favorite holiday on February 15th known to single people as 50% off Valentine's Day Cake and Candy Day!

   I'm so old I remember when Amazon dating used to be called a mail order bride.

   Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

   What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.

   I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

   I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.

   Saturday morning wife took me in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   Microsoft Word! I try and move an image 1mm to the left, but all text and images shift, fonts change, four more pages appear...in the distance, sirens.

   Nine months from now a boom of babies will be born, and we will call them Coronials!

   Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over

   [stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life

   Tried oscillating today! Not a fan!

   It's been awhile but I guess now would be a good time to check on my crops and see how they're growing in Farmville.

   The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.