Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 . 
Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.
Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.
My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.
Real life friends? In this economy??
Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."
Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?
I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows. 