Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Similarities create relationships, but its the differences that hold them together.

   Do I still call it morning if I never went to sleep because the shadow on my celling looked like a kitten with a butcher's knife?

   I received one of those posts that says your porn name is the color of your underwear and whatever is immediately to your right.... so my porn name is Yellow Chinese Guy.

   Knowing something is a terrible idea and doing it anyway is my specialty.

   Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.

   There's just some day you want to hear Kripke from Big Bang Theory sing "Rollin" by Limp Bizkit.

   Karma= the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism= the ability to sit back,enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   I wonder how many Canadian marriages resulted from not knowing how to end the conversation due to extreme politeness.

   My idea of a blind date is not removing your blind fold.

   I hate it when I am mistaken for someone who cares about your problem.

   Don't mistake post sex cuddling for “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

   9 out of 10 dentists choose....... to ask me if I smoked weed before the appointment.

   If you keep a foot in the past and a foot in the future, you're gonna piss on the present...

   The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.

   breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....

   For being clones of a supposed badass, Stormtroopers can't aim worth a crap.

   Women need to be complimented so much it's like they're asking us to lie.

   My computer is frozen up... and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.

   Of course I'm looking for the right person, because they say opposites attract and I'm already wrong.

   I think I've managed to weird myself single.