Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quote of the week "Tactically, it's all going as planned.." Qaddafi

   When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it! I guess I don't need it...

   There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone you don't like eating. Actually scrap that - There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone eating!

   I love you.... and your weed.

   People who always say "love is blind" need to be reminded that Stevie Wonder is divorcing his wife

   If you're happy and you know it slap your face.

   The moment when your sense of smell kicks in is the exact same time that hearing the dog fart stops being funny.

   saw a Mayan Xmas shopping today ........ seemed legit

   FYI Friends; DO NOT "share" Nolan Daniels's photo. It only ruins YOUR chances of winning!

   LOL at all these losers on Facebook on a Saturday night. I'll be here all night.

   You're the only one who wore a yellow scarf to class.. don't blame me for shouting "10 points to Gryffindor!" when you got a question right..r

   I thought period sex was when you dressed up in colonial clothing and got your freak on.

   I have a bad habit of dropping pants as soon as someone knocks my bedroom door.

   I wonder how many women refuse to date me because my hair is better than theirs.

   • The first time, it's an accident... But the next time someone throws an egg McMuffin out the window and hits my car on the highway, I'm going to put them in the wall.

   Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.

   I made this diet where I had to abstain from fast food and alcohol. After only 2 weeks I've lost 14 days.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best , then went shopping at walmart.

   3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere.

   I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.