Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.

   I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier...What kind of gun is it, does it come in different colors, how many bullets does it hold???

   I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?

   Remember when our kids got sick we had to pick up the phone and tell all our friends? No! You don't because nobody did it. So knock that crap off Facebook.

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

   Next Season on Survivor: Sixteen Congressmen try to hold down jobs in the private sector.

   Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep

   If time is money.... Facebook owes me like...27 billion dollars...