Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thought I wanted love. Turns out I just want a tattoo.

   [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

   When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot

   When I die I want my last words to be "Andy's coming quick act like a toy."

   F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?

   Happy Valentines Day. Today is not just about romantic couples, it's the day where everyone is loved for being who you are. If you are spending the day with friends, family, your significant other, or yourself...do something nice to treat yourself today.

   Seatbelts are very important, unless you are driving a huge school bus filled with children.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."

   Boobs don't define a woman, but they start the bidding.

   Its amazing how those that do the least to fix the problem complain the loudest.

   There's two sides to every coin, which makes cents.

   At the end of the day, a clown somewhere is busy washing off the makeup after a hard day at the circus. A woman somewhere is also doing the same.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.

   But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

   5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

   Those girls who give you a hug just because you know one of their friends. Heaven was made for people like you.

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.