Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boobs don't define a woman, but they start the bidding.

   Its amazing how those that do the least to fix the problem complain the loudest.

   There's two sides to every coin, which makes cents.

   At the end of the day, a clown somewhere is busy washing off the makeup after a hard day at the circus. A woman somewhere is also doing the same.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.

   But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

   5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

   Those girls who give you a hug just because you know one of their friends. Heaven was made for people like you.

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.

   I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.

   Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up