Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Faldo..go eat a snickers. yyou're stupid when you're hungry.

   *stands under White House windows holding a boombox & blasting War Pigs at full volume*

   The lap of luxury is comfortable, but the arms of delusion are snug.

   9/11 was yesterday? I couldn't forget if I wanted too

   Was not impressed by iPhone 5 which just made me realize how important Steve Job was to Apple No thanks I am quite content with my 4s

   Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.

   Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.

   Some kid keeps prank calling me so he just got the "Liam Neeson Speech" from Taken. I'm sure his parents will be calling soon...

   Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store

   There will be no sandwiches after sex. There will be either sleep or death. Enough with the sandwich talk.

   Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.

   You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.

   The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand in the relationship.

   jealousy is an ugly color on you... and while I am at it, so are tangerine, teal and turquoise.

   Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

   I need a matchmaking service for socks...

   Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.

   The biggest problem I have with women is that they are not Megan Fox.