Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MSN has an article asking "is it time to break up with your doctor"? Any time you feel two hands on your shoulders during your rectal exam.

   If your girlfriend's driving you crazy, it's probably because it's the only kind of driving she's good at.

   Screw love? No, screw the person who made you think that way.

   If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, what's the name of Justin Bieber's first album?

   B!tch don't flatter yourself. You're not even on my radar.

   We threw the body in the river. Then he just shrugged and asked if I ordered pizza yet. That's when I knew we were best friends.

   Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.

   My 80 year young mother in law and I are fighting over who's gonna drive to the strip club..... priceless

   Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list.

   I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.

   I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

   Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.

   With the amount of talking they do, why aren't women better rappers?

   Life is a jingle as long as you are single. Once you are double you are inviting trouble.

   He said: I'd like to get into your pants. She said: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* people died.

   Faldo..go eat a snickers. yyou're stupid when you're hungry.

   *stands under White House windows holding a boombox & blasting War Pigs at full volume*