Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

   I told a chemistry joke a few days back. It didn't get a reaction.

   If you could dribble your opponent or pass the one blocking your way, without grabbing him, then tell me soccer needs no skill; you don't like it every time you suck and are eliminated.

   FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....

   I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin from USA: if we send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   The whole "I got called out to post 5 beautiful selfies" thing is just yet another excuse/ploy for yet more attention for those women that constanly need it and need reassurance.

   Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   I'm sorry I asked you what your "hair" was made out of.

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   SCOOBY DOO taught us that all the REAL monsters ARE human... 🙈🙉🙊

   Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   Prop bets: What are the odds that Katy Perry's first song will suck?

   "The internet is so cool!....I just wish it was more like the electric company" - said no one ever

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the toolshed, but I'm great at analogies.

   The only thing worse than a dry handjob, is cake without frosting.

   I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."