Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   I'm sorry I asked you what your "hair" was made out of.

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   SCOOBY DOO taught us that all the REAL monsters ARE human... 🙈🙉🙊

   Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   Prop bets: What are the odds that Katy Perry's first song will suck?

   "The internet is so cool!....I just wish it was more like the electric company" - said no one ever

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the toolshed, but I'm great at analogies.

   The only thing worse than a dry handjob, is cake without frosting.

   I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."

   Kraft is recalling 7 million boxes of mac and cheese after several people reported finding minuscule amounts of nutrients inside.

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)

   Girls with tattoos on your boobs, Why? We’re already looking at them.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   The #Powerball is now at $1.4 BILLION.... That means you can finally stop putting off that billion dollar purchase you were thinking about.

   If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a Pirate of the Caribbean?