Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

   McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants.

   Are people that smoke weed and sit around on the couch all day called Baked Potatoes?

   If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".

   This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?

   Congress is making it look like the British Royal family is doing a lot.

   Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   Why couldn't it have been Paul Wall? No one wants to see HIS grill.

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN

   I couldn't afford to visit the zoo, so I went to the trailer park instead.

   Alcoholism is a progressive degenerative disease, or in lamens terms, "the afteraffect of marriage."

   went in to Zoomers tonight for a pack of gum and the clerk asked if I had gas? I told her I did earlier but I was feeling fine now. Some people do not have a sense of humor

   Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks.

   Unfortunately, there is no vaccine against stupidity...

   No outfit is complete without a few dog hairs :)

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.