Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.

   No, I don't have a bathrobe. I'm not some billionaire.

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his cell phone, is it called an "elfie"?

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend's parents.

   Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

   McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants.

   Are people that smoke weed and sit around on the couch all day called Baked Potatoes?

   If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".

   This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?

   Congress is making it look like the British Royal family is doing a lot.

   Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   Why couldn't it have been Paul Wall? No one wants to see HIS grill.