Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   27 Championships. Too bad the Yankees can't also buy the respect of players, owners, and fans of MLB.

   What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.

   no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident,

   we can all talk smack about miley, but we all know if given the option and if no one would find out, we would hit that pancake A ss

   The president pardoned a turkey yesterday...shouldn't it be the other way around?

   Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...

   It's so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog

   Well, I just made friends with some mexicans who just moved into the neighborhood. It's about time I finally got friends with benefits.

   White Parent: *Knock Knock* May I Come In? Blck Parent: *BOOM BOOM* OPEN UP DIS GOT DAMN DOOR, you DONT PAY NO BILLS TO BE LOCKIN DOORS

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.

   Me: Hey, how's it going? Her: *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* Hey

   Pastor Joel Osteen won't open his Houston ⛪ church that can hold 16,000 for hurricane victims because it only provides shelter from taxes.

   3 Jobs that changed the world: HAND, BLOW and STEVE!

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)

   I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I just dropped my bong and it broke :, ( life is cruel!!

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.