Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

   inspired by true events.

   Skipping the new "Jackass" movie... already saw Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar on "The View" this week.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.

   The difference between Humans and Chimpanzees is about 600 genes. The difference between mormon and moron is one letter.

   Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"

   The Republican National Committee is considering selling the TV rights to its presidential primary debates. To which Fox News is saying they already own it since all the candidates are working for them.

   Some girl in China lost her virginity at 12, her name was 'SUM YUNG HO'

   Father's Day....the most confusing day in the ghetto.

   Bobbi Kristina, I'm sure you are at peace. Maybe now the rest of us can get some peace from that drama-filled family of yours.

   27 Championships. Too bad the Yankees can't also buy the respect of players, owners, and fans of MLB.

   What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.

   no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident,

   we can all talk smack about miley, but we all know if given the option and if no one would find out, we would hit that pancake A ss

   The president pardoned a turkey yesterday...shouldn't it be the other way around?

   Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...

   It's so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog

   Well, I just made friends with some mexicans who just moved into the neighborhood. It's about time I finally got friends with benefits.

   White Parent: *Knock Knock* May I Come In? Blck Parent: *BOOM BOOM* OPEN UP DIS GOT DAMN DOOR, you DONT PAY NO BILLS TO BE LOCKIN DOORS