Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I plan to open a pancake house in Japan called Japancakes.

   talking to his inner voices..& they don't like you

   The next person that says "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" is going to realize, "It's not my fist, it's the impact".

   God I hate Democrats!

   Being an Atheist isn't a choice. It is merely a side effect of being highly intelligent.

   thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause my wallet is missing.

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   If you aren't liberal as a youth, you don't have a heart. If you aren't conservative as an adult, you don't have a brain…

   Lady Gaga says she takes her fashion inspiration from Princess Diana. It's just a shame it's not from how she looked before the crash.

   It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

   inspired by true events.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.

   Skipping the new "Jackass" movie... already saw Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar on "The View" this week.

   The difference between Humans and Chimpanzees is about 600 genes. The difference between mormon and moron is one letter.

   Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"

   The Republican National Committee is considering selling the TV rights to its presidential primary debates. To which Fox News is saying they already own it since all the candidates are working for them.

   Some girl in China lost her virginity at 12, her name was 'SUM YUNG HO'

   Father's Day....the most confusing day in the ghetto.

   Bobbi Kristina, I'm sure you are at peace. Maybe now the rest of us can get some peace from that drama-filled family of yours.