Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you having spell problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a witch aint one!!! >:(

   Every time I stir a hot beverage in one direction, I cry. But when I stir it the other way, I start laughing. I think I'm suffering from Mixed Tea Motions.

   fed up of talking about himself in the 3rd person. Stupid (name)!

   blaming it on the rain.

   Please Be Nice to smokers. They don't have much time left.

   just saw an indian asleep on the train and noticed his red dot on his forehead and just thought to myself 'is he on standby?'

   American Apparel is filing for bankruptcy again... The good news is that they're only a couple more bankruptcies away from running for President.

   When Trump dropped bombs, the media was all over him. When Biden does, nothing but praise.

   Hang 'em up, Kobe. Black Mamba is done.

   I plan to open a pancake house in Japan called Japancakes.

   Whats the difference between Sunnis and Shiites? Sunni's are attracted to goats while Shiite's are attracted to sheep.

   talking to his inner voices..& they don't like you

   The next person that says "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" is going to realize, "It's not my fist, it's the impact".

   God I hate Democrats!

   Being an Atheist isn't a choice. It is merely a side effect of being highly intelligent.

   thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause my wallet is missing.

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   If you aren't liberal as a youth, you don't have a heart. If you aren't conservative as an adult, you don't have a brain…

   Lady Gaga says she takes her fashion inspiration from Princess Diana. It's just a shame it's not from how she looked before the crash.