Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator, seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fortune on batteries.

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   At least Whitney Houston died doing what she loved. Cocaine.

   R.I.P. Corey Haim.Lost Boys Forever.1971-2010

   Booked into a hotel and as a man of God I said "Right young man, I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The receptionist said "No, it's just normal porn you sick f*ck."

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   A wheel works. A wall works. To bad you don't work.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and a gay Chinese guy jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   At least men and women agree on one thing...they both don't trust women.

   Roger Ebert just gave his doctors two thumbs down...

   Kanye West said he wants to be the 'Obama of clothing.' To achieve his goal, he's probably designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work.

   GO BRONCOS!!!!!!

   Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?

   The sooner you realize a min wage job is a starting point and not a career, the better off you (and America) will be!

   Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   and took him out. This is NOT an Obama victory, but an AMERICAN victory!!

   If I give you a nickel will you tickle my pickle

   ATTENTION: Law Enforcement Officials need everyone's help!!! Police are searching for a thief who splashes gasoline on his victims and then robs them by threatening them with a lighted match. The Authorities want to catch him before he strikes again.

   You're telling me that not one person in that entire club thought to hide in the closet?

   I googled "white nfl players arrested", it showed me a black guy