Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's flip a coin. Heads I get tail. Tails I get head.

   Why don't you go live in one of those other nations jackass you wouldn't last 10 minutes

   BLACK FRIDAY, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have

   I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the movie Selma wasn't about Selma Hayek.

   Obama 'I don't believe military intervention in Syria is the right move for America at this moment'.. In other News..No oil found in Syria

   No matter what you call Budweiser, it's still crappy beer....

   "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."-----JFK

   I guess orange is officially the new black

   Ground is soft this time of year. But burying a body is hot, sweaty work. And that's how the lemonade industry gets you.

   Today the glass is half full but I don't trust the water is filtered, the glass looks dirty & the person that served me has an open wound on their serving hand

   Hey girl look at you with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

   does anyone else instantly turn into a 3 year old and can't find there mouth as soon as they put on a white shirt

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   just rolled a huge joint out of my harvard rejection letter...life is grand.

   That awkward moment when The world doesn't end in 2012 And a lot of girls are pregnant...

   likes to take a marker pen and write 'Hammertime'' underneath the word ''Stop'' on stop signs

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   When life hands you lemons, make apple cider. Because life will be expecting you to make lemonade, so you'll have the element of surprise. Then you can be all "yeahhhh son, whatchu got now, life?? Nothing! You got nothing!"