Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a blog post about procrastination.

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while on my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   I'm not that big on Volcanic Ash... I'm more of a Volcanic boob man!

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   T-Pain, 50 Cent,Drake, Nelly, Kanye West, LIL Wayne, Soulja Boy and numerous rappers from down south, you are all wanted for the murder of HIP HOP, HIP HOP was last seen in the late 90's and has disapeared since.

   All my friends keep saying they want a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I think it would be a lot more fun with a "that's what she said" button

   Ground is soft this time of year. But burying a body is hot, sweaty work. And that's how the lemonade industry gets you.

   Today the glass is half full but I don't trust the water is filtered, the glass looks dirty & the person that served me has an open wound on their serving hand

   Hey girl look at you with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

   does anyone else instantly turn into a 3 year old and can't find there mouth as soon as they put on a white shirt

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   just rolled a huge joint out of my harvard rejection letter...life is grand.

   That awkward moment when The world doesn't end in 2012 And a lot of girls are pregnant...

   likes to take a marker pen and write 'Hammertime'' underneath the word ''Stop'' on stop signs

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   When life hands you lemons, make apple cider. Because life will be expecting you to make lemonade, so you'll have the element of surprise. Then you can be all "yeahhhh son, whatchu got now, life?? Nothing! You got nothing!"

   A guy can get up to 20 years prison for throwing peanuts at a flight attendant. Casey Anthony killed her daughter and she goes free. Yeah, seems fair..

   While most of you will be at the theaters watching The Avengers tonight I will be in the confines of my own home watch The Avengers XXX which is a slightly different version of The Avengers