Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey girl look at you with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

   does anyone else instantly turn into a 3 year old and can't find there mouth as soon as they put on a white shirt

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   just rolled a huge joint out of my harvard rejection letter...life is grand.

   That awkward moment when The world doesn't end in 2012 And a lot of girls are pregnant...

   likes to take a marker pen and write 'Hammertime'' underneath the word ''Stop'' on stop signs

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   When life hands you lemons, make apple cider. Because life will be expecting you to make lemonade, so you'll have the element of surprise. Then you can be all "yeahhhh son, whatchu got now, life?? Nothing! You got nothing!"

   A guy can get up to 20 years prison for throwing peanuts at a flight attendant. Casey Anthony killed her daughter and she goes free. Yeah, seems fair..

   While most of you will be at the theaters watching The Avengers tonight I will be in the confines of my own home watch The Avengers XXX which is a slightly different version of The Avengers

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep. :(

   If McDonalds sold hot dogs you wouldn't be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it.

   Whoa!!!!! The McRib is back in McDonald's....next thing you know they may go back to putting real meat in the hamburgers!!!!!

   Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.

   If you rearrange the letters in CAPS LOCK you get C0CK SLAP!

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   thinking..Tiger driving and hitting trees is nothing new, but I will bet he hasn't hit one off a fire hydrant before.

   not practicing Catholic so she's not giving anything up for Lent, but for those of you giving up alcohol, she's set up a collection bin outside her door>