Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont lie, this smiley pisses you off (-:

   Men, if you watched the Royal Wedding, your balls will only be reissued upon confirmation of beer consumption & NFL draft discussion....

   If a chick with big boobs can work at Hooters, why can a women with one leg work at I Hop

   Monday must be male. It always comes too fast.

   y'all keep saying Rhianna has a big forehead your wrong! Its more like a fivehead.

   It is being reported that Mississippi is considering banning birth control...this should result in a sharp increase in the sheep population.

   Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?

   Old white guys complained about the SB halftime show because we grew up in a time when originality, actually playing an instrument and not having auto tuned vocals counted as talent. Not like that heap of mediocrity we just saw.

   I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus; then I saw her helping him empty his sack.

   Bacon n Eggs walk into a bar, bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve breakfast here...

   When ever I think about the past,,, It brings back so many memories

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   Did you hear about the priest with a lisp? he tried logging on to Faithbook

   I'm glad the tsunami wasn't bad in Hawaii. Especially the island I am from...K'monIwannalayya

   ...Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines...

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.