Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love scary movies. I've seen Ghostbusters at least 6 times.

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov says, "Oh hell, I forgot to feed the dog."

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't going to like you

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   Why would anyone make babies when they can make nachos?

   part of a complete breakfast

   Science is for people who like to think about what's being told. Religion is for people who like to be told what to think.

   Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

   Marilyn Manson had a Sex-Change Operation and people now call him Lady GaGa

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   A Mslim stopped me in the street and asked me for my thoughts on Muhammad, Allah and the Qur'an. I said, "He's probably the greatest boxer who ever lived, and I don't give a f*ck what car he drove.

   FOX NEWS....Rich people paying rich people to tell middle class people to blame poor people.

   Kurt Cobain shot himself one month after Justin Bieber was born.

   Need an Ark?, I Noah Guy. 

   Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an idiot

   A cat falls in a pool and a rooster laughs. Moral of the story...A wet pu$$y makes a c0ck happy..

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out

   always afraid to poop at a friends house cuz I might clog the toilet...