Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Zimbabwean man says a prostitute he hired transformed into a donkey. Sounds like he got himself a real piece of ass.

   Its so cold outside that my neighbor gave me the mitten this morning instead of the finger

   now friends with the couch

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   maybe the world not ending, is far worse than it not ending...

   My wife comes with instructions. Lots of instructions.

   If I want your opinion I'll remove the duct tape.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   The guy in the toilet stall at the mall sounds like he might need a spotter.!!

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   You can pretend you're in an episode of The Walking Dead by skipping coffee for a few days.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   that awkword moment when someone accepts your friend request that you didnt mean to send. You only went to their page to stalk.

   I do 5 sit-ups every morning/afternoon. That may not sound like much, but there is only so many times that you can hit the snooze button, before the clock gives up..

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   I think Michael Bay is trying to ruin my childhood. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are NOT aliens!

   I think I'm losing my mind but nobody can tell the differance

   I use music to escape from reality.

   Looking at boobs make men live longer, that's why some women don't like it when we look at them.

   I was so drunk when I got in last night that I picked a fight with a mop, wiped the floor with the shaggy-haired b@stard.