Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do 5 sit-ups every morning/afternoon. That may not sound like much, but there is only so many times that you can hit the snooze button, before the clock gives up..

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   I think Michael Bay is trying to ruin my childhood. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are NOT aliens!

   I think I'm losing my mind but nobody can tell the differance

   I use music to escape from reality.

   Looking at boobs make men live longer, that's why some women don't like it when we look at them.

   I was so drunk when I got in last night that I picked a fight with a mop, wiped the floor with the shaggy-haired b@stard.

   I Don't Drink Anymore !!!Although ...I Don't Drink Any Less either ;p

   I got a bit drunk last night and now I just got woke up by a lawnmower!!! I don't know who the hell it is but they have to mow around me I an NOT moving!

   Since Facebook shows everyone when you like or comment to someone's pic. Wouldnt it be fair if it did the same when you remove someone? and the reason Why?

   Drugs are just emotions that life is too stingy to give you.

   Student driver signs are like putting a dunce hat on your car.

   Feeling poor and full of cookies. You can tell it's Christmas.

   When did it become acceptable to slap another man's ass during football?? And why, oh why, is there no evidence of his reaction??

   Whats up with all these duck faces lately they quack me up

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me ..?? was bothering me.

   WIl you be my Valentine for an hour or so?

   understands the concept of housework, but has difficulty grasping how it applies to me!

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Ummm uh-oh,,,, My car's GPS asked me,,, "Who's Siri?"