Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   My husband asked for breakfast in bed so I told him sleep in the kitchen ;)

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   I FOUND THE GOLDEN TICKET!!!!!! FUGG ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAID I WAS CRAZY!!! ALL MY HATERS CAN KISS....... oh wait........ It's just a twixx

   thinks life ws much easier when Apples & Blackberies were just fruits.

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying.

   sick of the jehovahs witness knocking on my door. So I'm making my cat take karate lessons. If they come around again, Fluffy is gonna kick some serious ass!

   I cant take this sh*t anymore!!! .....so I flushed the toilet and walked out :)

   sitting on the toilet and a Huge spider walked in under the door...at least I didn't poo my pants

   1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

   I'm sick of people who judge so quickly and also trust justice system too much.

   I came into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood and I have no problem going out the same way.

   This banana tastes like I cant afford a pizza

   I wonder if girls walk around and think "Oh ya, he wants the V"

   Admit it. You're secretly hoping Samuel L. Jackson flips out and drops the "F-Bomb" on those Capitol One commercials.

   If you wake me up by turning on all the lights, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve already started planning 10 different ways to kill you

   Be careful when clicking links on FB. There is a new one going around that says if you click it, it goes to a page where you can get the new Nickelback album for free. When you click it, it takes you to a page to get the new Nickelback album for free. :/

   I know it's hard to believe but one year ago today, it was Oct. 8th...

   Did you know that every 60 seconds,,, Somewhere in Africa,,,, a minute passes.

   What if Gangnam Style is actually a rain dance and we've brought the frankenstorm down upon ourselves?