Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkward moment when she is wearing her apple bottom jeans, but she cant find her boots with the fur, and the whole club does'nt look at her

   watching the Situation's comedy routine on Trump's Roast.. more like The Cancelation.

   *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??

   Guys are like roses. You've got to watch out for the pricks.

   To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world

   Verizon called me complaining that my map was in their way.

   Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles and nerve impulses sent from my brain

   I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an a$$hole?"

   …clearly they have no idea how funny it is when they give us the fish eye after a sneak attack…

   How do I set a laser printer to stun?

   Pls stop being such ass, I have one enough to worry about. Lol

   Dear Heart, I met a boy today.....prepare to shatter

   I like to spend my weekends at Burgerking pretending I'm on Man vs Food...

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   My husband asked for breakfast in bed so I told him sleep in the kitchen ;)

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   I FOUND THE GOLDEN TICKET!!!!!! FUGG ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAID I WAS CRAZY!!! ALL MY HATERS CAN KISS....... oh wait........ It's just a twixx

   thinks life ws much easier when Apples & Blackberies were just fruits.

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying.

   sick of the jehovahs witness knocking on my door. So I'm making my cat take karate lessons. If they come around again, Fluffy is gonna kick some serious ass!