Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ****This message has been censored by Beijing*****

   Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?

   I heard some people talking $hit about you, they were saying you loved co#k sandwiches, but I stuck up for you - I told them you don't even like bread

   BBC News: Pope offers 'hand of friendship'... followed shortly by an offer of sweets and viewing of his new puppies in the Vatican basement!

   It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.

   Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.

   What I just did to that bathroom was so tragic, that when I walked out a Native American looked at me... and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

   Why are there no black fireworks?

   I showed up late for work today . The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" ,,, I replied "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   Imagine if people were punished like dogs and had our noses rubbed in wrong doings? "Aw man, forgot to take out the trash" Welp, untie that bag and get your face in there. Look at him, he knows what he did.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   I know this chick that can do more tricks on a six inch d*ck than a monkey on a mile of grapevine.

   I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   Why can't they shoot porn in HD 3D?

   : Women are like Vegetables: You need a Variety to remain Healthy!!!

   YES WE CAN..move to Canada...

   You don't necessarily need to be in a church on Sunday to find and talk to God. You don't necessarily have to make an appointment to see the Lord. God is always with you, no matter where you are, no matter what day of the week it is.

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   I guess the Mayans were Republicans, that would explain everything.