Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it that way too.

   Which one of you ladies wants to be my next mistake?

   Oh so you're a model? Who's your agent, Instagram?

   It doesn't matter how old we are, from a young child to an adult. When your parents praise you about something, even if it may be the smallest of things, it always makes me smile, realizing I have made them proud in some way.

   The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐

   Recycling old ones doesn't make them good, or original... AC... and everyone else posting unoriginal stuff. Now run along, before I get deleted for this one, while your recycled crap stays. Cheers :)

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   So when do we start calling this the Second Great Depression?

   What if born on planet earth is being sent to hell from another planet?

   When women wear makeup they're basically lying to us.

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Doin the same thing I do every night...Try to take over the world!

   ****This message has been censored by Beijing*****

   Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?

   I heard some people talking $hit about you, they were saying you loved co#k sandwiches, but I stuck up for you - I told them you don't even like bread

   BBC News: Pope offers 'hand of friendship'... followed shortly by an offer of sweets and viewing of his new puppies in the Vatican basement!

   It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.

   Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.

   What I just did to that bathroom was so tragic, that when I walked out a Native American looked at me... and a single tear rolled down his cheek.