Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm nothing like this generation. I just live in it.

   Its Saturday evening; time to browse through facebook and be judgmental on people's posts, of which most of them are under the influence.

   Happy Irish-stereotypes day.

   Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.

   I bet I can hold my breath longer than you. In fact, I bet you can't hold my breath at all.

   At this point in my marriage, I'm willing to trade cunnilingus for the 15 mintues of not having to talk.

   Sometimes I squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward... because that's how I roll.

   I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tounges and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in messages, it would be creepy as hell.

   I'm looking forward to avoiding spending time with you

   I'm starting to think none of you have résumés.

   Relationships can only have one emotionally unstable person, and I am always that person.

   I bet the first junkies that signed up for instagram must have been disappointed !

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side, only because there's a lot more bullsh*t being tossed around.

   Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way.

   "I'll have what she's halving." - Divorce Lawyers

   I'm convinced some people are so dead inside that if you cut them they'd bleed black.

   I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.

   Facebook relationships are like flowers. They die in a day or two.

   PSA-When in a waiting room here are a couple of pointers: no one wants to hear you convo about getting the 'cream' for your itch and 2. turn your ringer DOWN, we don't want to hear 'your baby got back' ringtone.