Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was excited about spending some time on my treadmill this morning, but I don't know where I put my roller-blades. ugh.

   Thanks for the sex but next time can I participate?

   When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I get really excited because for once someone other than my beer can is listening!

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"

   Auto correct just changed my ex's name to deceitful sh*t talking money grubbing never in the mood for sex b*tch Weird

   the irony is a group of blacks picked the white cotton guy out.....for life

   I just lost all my phone contacts so please don't send me yours!

   You think she's hot?you should of seen the one that got away.

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.

   So I danced like no one was watching. I'm currently out on bond and my hearing is next week.

   Are you still a girl if you don't put a smile face at the end of a text?

   Do pandas give crushing hugs? Because I think that would be a cute and emotionally satisfying way to die.

   Almost time for " the new year new me bull$hit"

   The Christmas Day hacking of Playstation Network and Xbox Live forced gamers offline and kids to sit with their families for Christmas instead of locking themselves in their rooms. This had girlfriends, wives, and mothers whispering, "It's a Christmas Mi

   Am I the only one praying for an, "Equiptment Malfunction" during the halftime show tonight?

   According to this profuse bleeding from the roof of my mouth, I should have stopped at one bowl of Captain Crunch.

   I'm a real stand up guy, just so long as you are a real bend over girl.

   Pants...Why? What for?

   If the internet was a game show, we'd all be in Japan and have jumper cables clipped to our nuts

   Did I log into Facebook or Pinterest? I'll tell you what color that dress is.. It's who and why do you all give a f**k!"