Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..

   I think everything my children have said for the past 48 hours has been in the form of a question. I'm living in Alex Trebek's nightmare.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   I wish the cast of Jersey Shore had to compete in the Hunger Games.

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret.

   It's like these people at work don't even know who I think I am.

   Please don't ask me how many sinks I've pissed in." - me taking a polygraph test

   I once dated a girl who looked exactly like her dog. Hey St. Bernards are cute, shut up!

   I know the corn on the cob is going to be good when it squirts me in the face while I peel it... I SO feel like a female porn star.

   alone with the kids for the weekend. I have 18 hours of Pixar movies and a squirt gun full of high-fructose corn syrup. Should be fine.

   just stuck pink sparkly streamers in the handgrips of a custom skull painted harley in the parkin lot, now I jus waitin for the ogre..i mean, owner to find em

   They say honesty is the best policy. I dunno who"they"are so until they come forward ima lie like hell...

   I need to get a gun rack for the work truck to hold two things important in my life right now...job prints and my fishing pole.

   It's 11:50 pm; do you know where your pants are?

   I've noticed that the number of "likes" for intelligent quotes, exponentially jumps during the hours that Elementary school is in session, and after the 8:30 pm milk and cookies before bed ritual.

   The human population is due to hit 7 Billion on Halloween.

   "I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I will merely imprision anyone who logs into it." ~ Muammar Gaddafi (people are serious you f**k with thie FB you die)

   there are two ways to destroy a friendship between two girls. a boy and a rumour.

   There's a fine line between entertaining and irritating.