Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to get a gun rack for the work truck to hold two things important in my life right now...job prints and my fishing pole.

   It's 11:50 pm; do you know where your pants are?

   I've noticed that the number of "likes" for intelligent quotes, exponentially jumps during the hours that Elementary school is in session, and after the 8:30 pm milk and cookies before bed ritual.

   The human population is due to hit 7 Billion on Halloween.

   "I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I will merely imprision anyone who logs into it." ~ Muammar Gaddafi (people are serious you f**k with thie FB you die)

   there are two ways to destroy a friendship between two girls. a boy and a rumour.

   There's a fine line between entertaining and irritating.

   Quitters have more free time.

   I try to hide the snacks I just ate by pushing the empty bag to the bottom of the trash.

   I can't wait to get outta work so I can log onto Facebook for the first time today. ;0)

   Trying to find my happy place again... but.... I may not find it, 'cause guys don't ask for directions.

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   why can they put enamel in paint but not on your teeth?

   Hey Janet Lehman, how about I send you MY program for free? It's called a BELT!! You're welcome

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   I want to fix you, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

   Here is a dollar, go and call someone who gives a sh!t.

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?

   I do the perfect imitation of a slug being poured salt on when my mom turns the light on in my room this early