Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*

   When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.

   Not sure if I just watched the Superbowl or a three hour commercial?

   Cow farts come from the dairy air... I'll see myself out.

   If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?

   I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach

   A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

   It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.

   The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.