Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.

   My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.

   I am so dumb, I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.

   If I had a horse in the Kentucky Derby, his name would be... How-Much-Wood-Could-A-Woodchuck-Chuck-If-A-Woodchuck-Could-Chuck-Wood .

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."

   Trick your friends into thinking you are a professional tennis player By wiping your face with a towel every 30 seconds And throwing it at a child.

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..

   Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

   Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.

   My wife texted me a selfie and asked if her dress made her look fat, I sai Noo it was autocorrected to Moo... I need help!

   I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.

   There are some words you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you say you are.