Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.

   my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code. nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

   Face tattoos should come with a mandatory monitoring device on their ankle...

   When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed

   when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

   Did you know that the sentence "Are you as bored as I am" can be read backwards and still makes sense?

   You know you are getting old when you look forward to going to bed before midnight, instead of staying up after.

   Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*

   When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.

   Not sure if I just watched the Superbowl or a three hour commercial?

   Cow farts come from the dairy air... I'll see myself out.

   If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?

   I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach

   A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

   It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.