Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

   My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know... I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   There is absolutely never a good reason to substitute "anywho", for real words like anyhow or anyways...Ever...I think I would rather listen to fingernails scratching the blackboard...

   Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"

   I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? Now you do..

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.