Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

   I am not nearly as funny or entertaining in person, but I sure think I am when I have a few drinks.

   Anyone else think Charlie Sheen snorted the fine line between recreational use and addiction?

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am going to assume you are one ugly puppy with extreme low self esteem.

   Osama Bin Laden is enjoying his 12 virgins right about now.

   Not bad for 2 weeks worth of work. President's birth certificate and BI LADEN's death certificate!!

   So Irish terrorists planted a pipe bomb in the luggage compartment of a bus. Thank heavens there was a last minute decision for her to travel around Ireland by limo.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   Men have the choice of loving women or understanding them. Neither will afford you any peace of mind.

   Look just cuz I wont go by you tampons doesn't mean I don't love you...Hell didn't I buy you like 3 rolls of Bounty...That's called a Compromise...

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know.

   To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.

   I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

   Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.

   "Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...