Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this year, I'm giving out pizza delivery coupons. Who wouldn't want a free 2 liter or 2 mediums for the price of one??

   Reasons 2 why Florida is considered the "Pitbull" State by the Press....You can expect 3 things to go wrong during voting: machine failures, not enough ballots printed out, and complicated procedures with late ballots count

   I dont believe in love, but I believe in sex.

   Every time someone orders a high-end bourbon with Coke, the bartender should serve them a complimentary shot of regret.

   The biggest obstacle to living your life happily the way you want is other human beings.

   The date was over when you asked me to follow you on Twitter.

   always know where the remote is all it takes is one sad animal commercial to kill the mood

   what's the definition of "egghead" it's what mrs.dumpty gives to humpty

   Gloria,,, Sometimes I still panic knowing that the rhythm is going to get me.

   How long after I lay all of my feelings on the table do they start to get rotten?

   The couple that laughs together, stays together. If that's not a pro-weed slogan then nothing is.

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   Everybody's got their own alcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience

   I am a virgin...just not very good at it...

   My superpower is common decency.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   I am doing an all day binger at Wendy's for St. Fatty's Day

   You have to personally know a moron to fully appreciate the meaning of the word ‘moron’. A mere dictionary won't do.

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things...

   Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I'll ruin it.