Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Right hand green, Left foot blue, Left hand red. RIP Chuck Foley. The inventer of TWISTER

   The fishin was so bad the mosquitos weren't even biting

   Hey douche, how about I chop off your hands so you can really make the most out of your bluetooth headset?

   Don't litter your chaos and drama all over other people's lives.

   You may think it's bad grammar but I assure you it's just laziness.

   I hate when I wake up alone, naked with a kitty stamp in my hand.

   I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

   Some of you make me jealous. You have hours to devote to people you hate and I barely have time for people I adore.

   Making it rain on a stripper was just one in a handful of fiscally irresponsible decisions I've made in 2012. Gotta tighten up in '13.

   I trust an Instgram photo about as much as I trust those attorneys that advertise during soap operas...

   If you’re not getting laid on a regular basis, Facebook is not going to solve the problem. If anything its going to make it worse.

   Making moral decisions based on money will leave you emotionally poor.

   why the s hitty, blurry picture? Take another one! It's not like it took 3 days to get them developed...

   this year, I'm giving out pizza delivery coupons. Who wouldn't want a free 2 liter or 2 mediums for the price of one??

   Reasons 2 why Florida is considered the "Pitbull" State by the Press....You can expect 3 things to go wrong during voting: machine failures, not enough ballots printed out, and complicated procedures with late ballots count

   I dont believe in love, but I believe in sex.

   Every time someone orders a high-end bourbon with Coke, the bartender should serve them a complimentary shot of regret.

   The biggest obstacle to living your life happily the way you want is other human beings.

   The date was over when you asked me to follow you on Twitter.

   always know where the remote is all it takes is one sad animal commercial to kill the mood